A Bicycle Built for Sue by Daisy Tate

Author:Daisy Tate [Tate, Daisy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2020-06-02T17:00:00+00:00

Incident No: 120912

Time of Call: 11:42

Call Handler: SUNITA ‘RAVEN’ CHAKRABARTI

Call Handler: You’re through to the NHS 111 service, my name’s Raven and I’m a health advisor. Are you calling about yourself or someone else?

Caller: I’m calling for myself.

Call Handler: May I have your name please?

Caller: I’d prefer not to.

Call Handler: Umm, okay. It does make it a bit easier if I know your name.

Caller: It’s too bleeding embarrassing, alright? Can you handle that? That I feel embarrassed. That it took all my bloody courage to call you and tell you that I’ve effed up a perfectly gorgeous vagina?

Call Handler: I’m sorry, I – are you calling for yourself?

Caller: No, sorry. I just—[Muted swearing and female voice] I put popping candy up it.

Call Handler: Up …???

Caller: Up her vagina. We were having sex and I thought I’d, you know, spice things up, so I went down on her with a load of popping candy on my tongue and … what’s that, love? Sorry. She wants me to tell you it’s burning with volcanic heat and itching like the world’s worst yeast infection. She can’t think straight. Can you send a doctor out please? The GP’s not open and she says she can’t make it to A&E. She’s not in a good way.

Call Handler: Could I have her name please?

Caller: No.

Call Handler: I’m afraid I need her name, sir.

Caller: You didn’t need mine.

Call Handler: I was trying to get yours, but you started telling me what was wrong with your wife’s—

Caller: She’s not my bleeding wife, alright? That’s why we need the doctor here. Can you understand that? I don’t need the fuss of an ambulance. She’s refusing to let me take her to the A&E. She’s in massive pain, needs a doctor and wants it kept quiet, so could you please just make it happen so I can end this whole sordid— no, love. Not you. You’re not sordid. You’re— wait! Wait!!! Stephanie, love! I wasn’t saying you were sordid! [Call ends]

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